Please, please just listen to me
I have something important to say to you
I will always will be
With you like the colour blue
We may not be together physically
But we always will be with emotions
This might be quizzically
But we aren’t just a drop in the ocean
I know your heart was broken
The day it was over
I mostly miss the practical jokes
But hated the snow in late October
Please, please listen to me
I have something to say however
I loved when we were at sea
I will be with you FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
December 12, 2014 at 3:55 pm
Albion, this is a lovely start. I particularly like the begging motif at the start and end of the first and last stanzas.
Some things to consider:
1) Re-read the poem to correct any grammatical errors, including repeated words.
2) I like the capitalisation of ‘forever’ at the end of the poem. However, I would reconsider the exclamation marks.
3) Could you develop the depth of your nautical imagery? You have included a fair few references, but I think you need to develop their detail a little to increase the sophistication of the poem.
Very nice work.
December 12, 2014 at 3:57 pm
Albion, also be careful of the words you choose to develop your rhyme. I am not sure ‘quizzically’ or ‘October’ hold much meaning.